I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
My vagina just clenched in fear
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
