captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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