I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
