everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
