My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
