I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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