Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
