What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
