You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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