I'd wear matching sweaters with you
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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