He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
