allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you traded sex for a burrito?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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