I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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