Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
