Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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