I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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