You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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