today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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