you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
