Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
