and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
