Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
