Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
