just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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