i may or may not be watching the land before time
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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