It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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