end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
