Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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