I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
