My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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