Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
