you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
