I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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