Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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