There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
