Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
