umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
