Your mouth is God's brothel.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
