you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
