You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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