I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
