Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
