Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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