dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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