I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
