put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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