My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
