So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Did I show you my penis last night?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
