sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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