I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
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