I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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